Itachi- turning dark

Dear diary
There are times everything seems to be all right. You are of the opinion that you´ve made real friends and… you´re happy with all your heart. You don´t believe that anything could destroy your inner sunny weather. With a huge smile you wake up keeping it all day long and you show it everybody around you not able to keep your luck inside of you. These times you feel like superman: immortal, powerful, perfect.
But believe me, it definitely won´t last very long! Soon you will notice that your happy little world gets cracks on its wall. Your "true friends without any mistake" aren´t what you thought. They are just human beings with all their mistakes. Sure, you have to love them though or better because of their imperfectness but still there will grow problems between you. Some of them may loose interest in meeting you because they are lazy  and think that you can´t give them a afternoon filled with fun. From that point on you understand that you are the one who has to chase after their free time. Who has to make plans they are interested in. Otherwise your contact would get lost especially when it´s holiday time. You don´t want to loose them. They´ve become a part of your heart and even the thought of being without them hurts way too much. For a few days or weeks you try to hold your happy grin but it becomes thinner and thinner. In the end you loose it. That´s the point you give up. Unable to run after them all day long. Unable to fill their expectations. Unable to get yourself disappointed any more. All you say when they post you is "All right, I thought so. Have a nice time."
Why must this happen? You ask yourself over and over again. Don´t they esteem you? What goes on in their heads? Above all boys are a little hard to handle in this dependency. I´m sitting here on the school yard, alone. It´s a cloudy day, nobody´s sitting on one of the seats around this table. I nearly can see them as if it was yesterday. Before the holidays started we sat here all together, laughing or discussing about girl´s bodies. Which girl is the prettiest, which the sexiest, which the nicest, which the most interesting. Our definitions were pretty different due to the fact that Deidara prefers smaller ones with short red hair, Sasori taller ones with long blonde hair, Hidan girls with scars that seem a little scary, Kakuzu prefers masochistic ones who are cocky... Just Pein was totally happy with his girlfriend, Konan.
But now.. there isn´t anybody around me. No one who could help me, who could listen to my problem. They are all away, searching for their own happiness. If they knew... knew that everybody of them will definitely be happier than me... Always scared that they could miss something in life... lose their way to their luck... But for me all that is senseless. The only thing I never wanted to happen was to loose them... the only connection between me and the rest of this damn world. As they were with me I was so happy... as never before. But I knew that this wouldn´t stay like this... though I hoped that it woulnd´t end that soon.
I´m alone... they aren´t there for me any more. All away... on a trip anywhere in another country, enjoying their holidays... forgetting about me. Now, that I need them so much.
The last contact came from Deidara who wrote a card from Spain... but it´s weeks ago. Nothing important was written there... no "I miss you", no "I will see you soon" or "Sadly you can´t be here as well".
When I look up in the sky I see birds chasing after clouds enjoying their freedom. At the edge of my sight are little black points that grow more and more filling my sight more and more with darkness. Yeah, that´s my destiny. Soon I won´t see anything any more. No birds, no clouds, not the laughing faces of my friends... just darkness. Afterwards this darkness will fill my whole body until it will reach my heart. Cause I won´t be happy without my eyes. For me they are the most important part of mine. I can´t stand this loneliness without them. How? All my life I was alone. Just my red eyes with these black patterns in them saved me from the nothingness inside of me. For hours I just sat on my balcony and watched the plenty people walking on the street. It was kinda fun to find out what was pretty in their faces and to guess what jobs they have or what their life's are like. If they are happy with their own way of living.
But then I got my friends and I wasn´t alone any more. For the first time in my life I was totally felicitous and filled with love for them.
Now everything is over, they lost interest in me and even my sight leave me in darkness.
I DON´T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANY MORE! After telling me the doctor said that I could live in a flat share with other blind men. But I don´t want to be a cripple. He said that nurses will take care of me. But I don´t want somebody to be around me all day long watching my every step. He said that I would become accustomed to this new situation, to my new life. But I don´t want to start a new, worse life than before. I just want to find my peace. I´m way too disappointed of this world... Everything lost its colour in my eyes. Even now, that I can see encore... the flowers seem grey and cheerless to me. Every bird´s song seems to loose its happiness, every sunny morning is nothing as a dark waking up for another painful day on this destroying world. The people around me do everything in a routine: standing up, making breakfast, doing their work, going home, dinner, watching TV, going to bed. Nobody cares about anybody else. Nobody knows how lucky they should be. They still have  their eye sight... but they don´t appreciate what they´ve got. Now that my time of seeing will be over soon, I know that. I understand how happy I should have been with what I´ve had. Yes, I´ve been alone for nearly my whole life, because there wasn´t anybody at home... I never had a home. Everyday I cried and screamed for the sake of my loneliness. But I didn´t appreciate that I was fine. I wasn´t ill and still had all my body parts. I could see, smell, taste, hear... But now? I will loose my eyes... I won´t be able to do my favourite hobbies any more. No watching, no writing down my soul, no drawing... Nothing!
Even they aren´t there to keep me away from this huge black hole, I´m falling in.
This song definitely fits on me:
Such a lonely day,
and it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day,
should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day,
shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day,
and it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day,
and its mine
It's the day that I'm glad I survived
It´s my favourite song, because it shows my soul. I write it on six paper sheets and add the sentences "Thanks for being my friend! I really enjoyed the time with you, but now I have to leave this world. Best wishes, Itachi". Then I put them in each of their letter boxes.
Yeah, I do wanna end this misery of mine. I´ve enough of this shit! My plan is clear. Tomorrow...
…........
"Itachi! Itachi! Please, open the door!"
I hear these voices as if they are million miles away. They don´t reach me any more. No, it´s too late. You just want me to go on living... But you will leave me again! I can´t open, it´s too late, I´ve made a decision.
"Itachi, un! It´s me, Deidara, please! Let us in, un!"
Why did you even come here? You nearly forgot me! What do you want here? What do you want from me? Now, that it´s too late.
"Itachi, please, un, don´t hurt yourself!"
But why not? It´s my decision. I want to die! Why do you even give a damn about me?
"ITACHI! OPEN!"
Yeah, it´s Sasori´s voice. I hope he and Deidara will be happy together.
With a quick movement I plunge the knife into my chest. The blood of my heart leaves in small rivers my chest, flowing over my white hands, that still hold the knife. Normally I should feel pain but I don´t. The only feeling inside of me is relief. Slowly I let myself fall to the side. In the same moment the door bursts open and somebody catches my dying body. Warm tears mix with the blood of mine.
"Itachi, un, why? ...Why did...you, un?!"
"I´ll call a doctor," Sasoris shaking voice answers.
But it´s too late. Why are you crying, pretty Deidara? It´s just me! It isn´t your beloved Sasori who´s dying... just me! With a last smile I close my eyes.
Good bye, my friends...